Grace and More Grace

I would like to think that I'm a grown-up now. But then there are weeks like this one where I realize that I am as stubborn and as heels-dug-in as a two year old.  Days when my head tells me the mature way to handle stress, the right way to respond to it, but my emotions say a resounding "lalalalalala....I can't hear you!" and then, quite promptly, take over. 

It usually takes me a few minutes to realize that I have blown it, once again. A few minutes more to realize that, because I believe in grace...scandalous, complete grace....I can choose to be forgiven and move on. And try to do it better next time!

The biggest constant in my life, in most lives..is change. And I'm fighting it hard right now. I find comfort in sameness, in routine. But when that is all blown to smithereens, as stressful and difficult as that is, it is a reminder that whatever I thought I controlled, I don't. Nope. Not even a little bit. It's humbling and reviving at the same time. And I'll probably forget it again tomorrow, but then there's that grace thing again. I want to live in it, wallow in it, love like crazy with it. 

So even if I never do feel like the grown-up I should be, at least I am certain of one thing....I will experience another challenge, another change tomorrow. Maybe tonight! And I can cling to that grace to be a little stronger this time, a little more mature....a step more than the toddler stage. Maybe even a preschooler. Grace and peace.

Grace

Sometimes you read something that slaps you upside the head, turns you upside down, and shakes you. Man. I hate it when that happens. So this is what I read the other day:

“There are two ways through life: the way of nature, and the way of Grace. You have to choose which one you’ll follow. . . .Grace doesn’t try to please itself. Accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. Accepts insults and injuries.  .  . .Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things.” from Tree of Life


I've been reminded lately that there are approximately 82,524 reasons each day to be hurt and offended. And some days 82,525. Somebody says something that could be construed as criticism, or maybe he doesn't say something he should have said, or maybe he/she ignores me altogether. My immediate reaction is to think, "What is wrong with me? What did I do?" and, if I can't figure that out, the next logical step MUST be to assume that this person is just mean, hurtful and maybe....gasp....human. Huh.


I also read once (I think in a Beth Moore book) that if I am a person who goes through life with an empty cup, holding it out for others to fill it, I will be consistently disappointed and hurt. If I take responsibility for my own cup, filling it with the satisfaction that comes from investing in things outside of myself and my own little world, I will be able to pour out that full cup on my family, my friends, my community. And if I allow myself to be filled up with Grace, a Grace I can't possibly explain or earn, but can simply receive, then I have Grace to spare for the people I love. Or even the people I don't love so much.


Yes, I will get up tomorrow and once again be presented with countless opportunities to be hurt or offended. But I have a choice...to look at that potential offense and choose to leave it there, to not even pick it up, or to obsess and carry it around with me, clouding every interaction I have for the rest of the day. I hope I choose wisely. But, if I don't, there is Grace enough for me, too. 

Sacrifice

With all of the uproar surrounding the news of Osama Bin Laden's death, and all of the coverage that mentioned the Navy Seals who so bravely faced danger for our nation's benefit, I was reminded of something that occurred two years ago.

Our family went to a beach here in Guate for a little R&R. We were blessed by friends to stay at a lovely resort and just relax for a few days. One night, we went to the hotel's restaurant for the buffet dinner and noticed a table full of American men near us. Now. My husband graduated from the Air Force Academy and spent several years as an AF officer, so he can pretty much spot a military man or woman from 80 paces. He knew immediately that these men were military.

We didn't see them again until the day we checked out. They happened to be checking out at the same time, and Steve approached them. He made small talk and mentioned that he'd been in the Air Force. True to military form, they ribbed him and told him they were sorry he'd been in that particular branch and then told him they were in Guatemala for some training. There was more small talk, during which they revealed nothing specific about their training, and, at the end of our time in the lobby, Steve thanked them for their service to our country. It was then that one of the guys really opened up and told us that, indeed, their duty had cost them each greatly. He told us that most, if not all, of the men in his group were divorced or nearly divorced. He explained that they were gone from their families for most of the year.

It was a very sobering reminder of just how much our military sacrifices for us. And a reminder that the United States, despite all of the flaws that are constantly pointed out to us by the talking heads on TV, is a country that has always been known as a country willing to sacrifice for the greater good.

There is nothing like living in another country to give you perspective on just how unique America is. We are willing to fight for those who don't have a voice, to defend the weak, to pursue justice to its end....sometimes to a fault....and why? Because sometimes individual people sacrifice their rights and, often even their lives for the greater good.

It has taken living in a "survival-driven" society, a society in which people have been taught to look out for themselves, a society in which daily needs like food and a place to sleep are very real worries to teach me just how blessed we as Americans are.

But working for the greater good isn't merely an option or a nice choice for us:

"Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too." Phil 2:4 NLT

I am so thankful for the United States, so thankful for a heritage we have of sacrificing for others. And hopeful that we will never take it for granted again.

Justice

I entered the United States Air Force in 1994 after graduating from the Air Force Academy. I was trained to think critically, to honor, to defend the weak, to promote justice. I was paid very modestly, but it didn't matter. I served with pride, my chest swelling to think I could be involved in something so incredibly intangible as the defense of our American freedoms. That whatever work I did behind the scenes as a support officer would save lives in battle.

Only a 2 hour plane ride from where I served in the military, Guatemala was in the last 2 years of a 36 year civil war. 200,000 civilians were murdered. The government committed horrible war crimes... through its military.

Tonight I came home to find a neighbor with one of his relatives waiting by my front porch with a letter in his hand. They asked if I could help them translate a letter. I was tired, hungry, and frankly, a bit annoyed to hear that the man needed it to be finished within an hour. I asked if I could eat dinner with my family and have it ready in two hours. He agreed to wait, and I agreed to help.

Here is an excerpt of the letter, with his name removed for confidentiality:

To Whom it may concern:

.... I served in the Guatemalan military during the Guatemalan Civil War, in which the military committed many crimes against humanity. On January 6^th, 1996, I deserted the military, due to direct orders contrary to my conscience, which were intended to cause harm to defenseless civilians. Specifically, we were ordered to patrol at night for unsuspecting youth, capture them, and force them into military service against their will.

On the 9^th of January, 1996, I left for the United States where I found gainful employment. On May 7^th, 2002, I crossed the border of the United States near Detroit, Michigan, and entered Canada (through Winsor) to seek refuge.

I sought refuge in Canada because I was afraid of the cruel punishment and reprisals that the Guatemalan military intended to make against me because I deserted. The reputation of the Guatemalan military was that it always hunted down and punished deserters....

Injustice. Most of the world suffers terribly from governments, politicians, or employers who oppress and take advantage of those they are supposed to serve.

However, justice is not just a right as an American or a Christian. It's a responsibility we have as human beings, to defend others who are too weak to do it for themselves. We snooze through our history classes, we chafe in the politically correct corporate training courses. We gloss over it when Jesus commands it. We become too bothered, too busy, too bored, to care.

I was almost too busy to help this man. Afterwards, he asked me how much he owed me for translating, and I was speechless. He had already paid me. He had given me an appreciation for something that I had assumed was normal, universal, my right, everyone's right. An appreciation and a reminder of something I have taken for granted for too long.

Gratitude

Instead of starting out the new year with a list of resolutions that are destined to make me feel like a failure before I turn the calendar page to February, I am resolving to live a year of gratitude, a year of being thankful for the astounding number of gifts in my life.

Gratitude for the beautiful gift of my family, from parents and siblings to the children that run down my stairs each morning with limitless energy and joy, ready to see what the day holds for them.

Gratitude for the chance to experience life in a different country. Along with its challenges and frustrations, it also gives me a new perspective and appreciation that I don't think I could obtain any other way.

Gratitude for our health, for the wealth of food in our kitchen, for the comforts of our home that we take for granted over and over again.

Gratitude for the intangible things...the way God is changing and sifting and growing my heart, giving me new desires and new dreams.

Gratitude for the chance, every now and then, to get a glimpse of lessons taking root....those things that I have taught my children, the whole time wondering if the words were even being heard.  To see the seedlings pushing their way up through the soil is perhaps the most beautiful thing I could ever witness.

Gratitude for a multitude of things. Many more things than those frustrating, and yes, let's be honest, often discouraging and disheartening things that I routinely choose to focus on. That's the key anyway. To choose. I am old enough and cynical enough to know that I will fail at that choice quite often in this new year and will throw myself one amazing pity party. But I can get up the next morning and clean up the wreck of that party and choose again.

To be grateful.




"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder."
Gilbert K. Chesterton 

"Tortillas and Coffee as Baby Food?"

Video: ABC News Special on Malnutrition in Guatemala

Expectations

Several months ago, someone gave us very good advice. "Don't bash the country you are living in," they told us. "Especially in front of your children."
Now, this might not sound like a big deal, or might not seem that it would be difficult advice to follow. It is.
No matter where we live, we are still very American. We are American in our thinking, our way of getting things done, in our expectations, and that can cause quite a bit of stress in our daily interactions.

We expect to order something and have it arrive on time, from little things like food to big things like construction materials for team projects.

We expect to be able to go to an ATM and get out cash.

We expect to pay the same price for vegetables that the person next to us is paying.

We expect to have the customer service we'd find at say, a Target store.....things like employees offering to help find something, or opening another register instead of requiring people to wait in line for 45 minutes, or not stocking shelves in the busiest part of the day in a 3 foot wide aisle.

Difficult? You bet. There are times that we complain and whine about how things are messed up. And yet, when we stop, take a breath and remind ourselves that people are mainly trying to survive, to get through the day, it changes our perspective and gives us a bit more patience.

Now, we're not perfect at this. Far from it. I still haven't gotten used to riding the chicken bus and having my foot stepped on 14 times or being shoved out of the way in the market, but at least I don't take it personally anymore. Well, mostly.

My wish is that, one day, when we move from Guatemala, whether it's to the States or to another place, we will be able to hold onto the lessons we're learning here, that we'll never adopt a sense of entitlement or superiority, and that we'll remember to look behind the differences and see the similarities....that people are people, with the same hurts and desires and hopes, no matter where they live, that we will consciously choose to look for the good in people.

Another good friend gave us more valuable advice. She told us to remind ourselves that, "It's not wrong, it's just different." So, on those really crazy days when we are tempted to see everything in a negative light, we repeat that phrase.
 A lot.
And sometimes even out loud in the middle of that so-very-unlike-Target store. Until we can say it and mean it.